QQ Logic Pte. Ltd.

2012-01-10T18:17:00.002+08:00

It's just pretty tiring to hold expectations for people. Sometimes, it's unavoidable that one has to put one's warm face into someone's cold butt. Figure of speech by the way.

And it's not possible to clarify if the other person/people have any misunderstanding of ourselves. How else do we know what's wrong? Or perhaps we should learn to stop pleasing others. But if so, it would means having to tolerate certain things for years before someone decides to make a move... out of this relationship. Be it working relationship or love, or etc.

"If there's no nerves, there's no pain"

Perhaps I should learn to be less sensitive to some things. Ignorance (not innocence) can be bliss.

But still, I wonder what could be left of my humanity after a decade or less.

Too Much Nerves?

2011-11-07T03:26:00.002+08:00

Nerves are "cables" that transmit electrochemical impulses. Without them, one does not feel pain. Which is also why you do not feel pain when your hair got cut. It helps warn the body of any danger, and teaches us to avoid them.

But there are times where it's best not to have too much nerves, or risk being "hurt" too easily. Can it be helped? Some people are born with more nerves than others. Or should we sever our own nerves, like almost every other people anyway? It's like how circumcising is celebrated process to mark one's adulthood. Sounds crude, but that's how it is.

Anyway, what is "adulthood"? One who obeys the social norm of what an adult is, or one who questions the rational of the society's definition of adult?

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm actually being immature, given my frank nature and reluctant to "cut my nerves", like some of my peers by this age. And I ask myself, why should "mature" be defined this way? No one wants to find an answer to that. People are contend to surrender to the greater force of the society without rethinking our values.

If I had to have my own definition of "mature", it would be that of "being more responsible". But it doesn't mean one should not attempt to find a compromising ground between responsibility and personal interest. It might even be possible to have both.

Anyway, it's just a really random ranting. I should just get back to being an "adult" and stop thinking too much about what I've "no control" over.

2011-07-16T20:48:00.002+08:00

What do people know? If they are in agony, there's at least a ear and a shoulder, perhaps from their family/friends/partner. Point aside, sometimes it's easier to just make some simple comment and drop the issue, rather than expecting others to understand that they are more fortunate than yourself.

Words and Meanings

2011-07-15T22:55:00.002+08:00

There's no point in speaking my mind. Words are just mere words, only meaningful to the one who understood them from the perspective of the speaker. If the listener has a completely different background, how can I expect the same degree of understanding of the words I've speak from him/her? And how can the listener forces their opinions upon me?

2011-06-19T01:09:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, it's better to stay in the unchanging gloom and doom for all eternity, than to experience hope again, after two decades of disappointment.

Giving false hope is a great cruelty.

Election Results

2011-05-08T04:01:00.002+08:00

The election results were all released by 3am in the morning. While I wouldn't be expecting that the PAP will lose, but I had better expectations, especially over some contested areas. Here are some of the disappointments:

1) Bishan-Toa Payoh GRC
Votes: Chiam See Tong's Team (43.06%) vs. Wong Kan Seng's Team (56.94%)
- I was expecting CST to win by a thin margin, considering that he managed to guard Potong Pasir for about 2 decades already, and his charisma. His biggest and only weakness is his age and poor health. WKS had to be responsible for Mas Selamat's escape by stepping down from minister position, but yet he remains intact. I REALLY wondered about what those people at Bishan-Toa Payoh were thinking... That's not to mention I've heard from my friend living there that they removed some facilities (cameras in lift) on the pretext of cost saving...

2) Marine Parade GRC
Votes: Nichole Seah's Team (43.35%) vs Goh Chok Tong & Tin Pei Ling Team (56.65%)
- Frankly speaking, the moment GCT is on any team, it's a sure win for PAP, just like LHL & LKY. Nichole Seah fought a good fight, though I feel that her party in general were a tad lacking in being more forward looking. Too much time wasted by NSP on exchanging verbal lashes and merely verbal expression of the passion to serve. However, the tighter margin could be made, due to Nichole's maturity and charisma, and TPL's lack of aforementioned. Then again, if you look at the other results of NSP (which average around 30ish percent), I guess this 10% upswing from their average is already relatively impressive.

3) Potong Pasir SMC
Votes: Lina Loh (49.64%) vs Sitoh Yih Pin (50.36%)
- I sure was expecting CST's wife to be able to guard this place, albeit with a very thin margin. There's alot of affection from the ground towards CST in that area. Looks like I was only half-right. The margin was thin. Difference of 114 votes, with scrapped votes of around 250. The scrapped votes could have made the difference. With this lost, the last stronghold of SPP is gone, and probably also marks the end of CST's political journey. People will commemorate his spirit in many years to come.

It's not all bad news though. Tonight, Singaporeans have made history! Starting with:

1) Aljunied GRC
Votes: Low Thia Khiang's Team (54.71%) vs George Yeo's Team (45.29%)
- An opposition succeeded in challenging for a GRC for the 1st time in Singapore's history! It comes as no surprise given Mr Low's popularity, charisma and efficiency as demonstrating in his well-running of Hougang, A-class team members, and his "slap the driver" theory. LOL! Frankly speaking, George Yeo's team ain't a pushover idea, given 3 ministers onboard and that he himself is one of the best minister. Or at the very least, he makes no major mistake thus far, and is probably one of the most internet-savvy minister. On top of his softer approach in this election, it lends him very positive sentiments on the internet. Even with him losing, supporters of the oppositions are generally in favor of him running for other important positions, and perhaps even replace TPL with him. His son is wise to advise him on how to manage Gen-Y indeed. Anyway, this should not be the end of the story for LTK's team, considering 54.71% is a relatively small margin. His team needs to work even harder to win the favor of the Aljunied residents and honoring his objective to push for a world-class parliament, or risk being put back at step one in 5 years time.

2) Hougang SMC
Votes: Desmond Choo (35.19%) vs Yaw Shin Leong (64.81%)
- This is also a battle won brilliantly by the WP, and also one that is generally expected to be won, since the hougang residents are extremely supportive of WP. It's also an interesting duel between the two, because both are young adults of my age group, and are teochews, just like myself and most of the people in Hougang. I would have trusted that LTK placed a reasonably strong reserve to guard the WP's stronghold, before deciding to venture out of it. Like George Yeo, Desmond Choo's lost was not due to his own incompetency, but due to the sentiments of the local people, similar to that CST at Potong Pasir. And I find it VERY commendable, because Desmond Choo accepted the lost gracefully, congratulated his rival and commit to continue working with his rival to take care of the local people's welfare and concerns. This is a strong contrast to Desmond Lim from SDA who blamed his critical lost (4.45% @ Punggol East) to the brand of his own party.

Conclusion: I'm not sure of what to make of the general outlook for Singapore. The PAP doesn't have a strong mandate. The oppositions as a whole made alot of sacrifices and compromises in order to avoid competition with each other. Those oppositions who did not win a single seat, at least manage to dent the statistics of historical PAP supports. This isn't something that the WP could have done by itself. So it surely rings the alarm for PAP. After all, if you can actually look at the demographic of the age group of the voters, the PAP has a bunk of diehard supporters who are from gen-X, and this number is decreasing, due to passing away, etc. Also, social media plays an importantly role is raising people's awareness of politics, giving the opposition a more balanced playing field in terms of publicity, which could explain the approx 10% swing in votes towards the oppositions. The oppositions are also specifically targeting the middle and lower class income, which statistically is more than merely the higher income people. If the oppositions were to increase its popularity, they would need very diversified plans for the country, where even the higher income group would be interested in, as well as having a positive track record, so that the middle income group are convinced that the oppositions are just as (if not more) capable than the PAP candidates. The next 5 years will be a trial for the workers' party, whether if the mandates given by the people are deserving. The PAP, on the other hand, will need to reform itself, preferably by nominating new ministers for the next 10 years, and/or changing the style of the party, from that high-handed style ("I tell you what is good for you"), to something more even-handed and receptive ("Please let me know what are your concerns, so I can help you").

This ends my analysis for GE2011. (And I don't get to vote this year... AGAIN!)

Unfair Opportunities?

2011-05-05T16:36:00.003+08:00

I refer to an article on FTs being invited to SG to study:
http://www.mycarforum.com/index.php?showtopic=2663008&st=0

Similarly, I've heard alot of stories about FTs being heavily subsidized for education and training in SG, as well as the relative ease of getting a PR identity immediately after graduating.

The irony is that Singaporeans are not given this privilege, other than the few who qualify for presidential scholarship. As for me, I couldn't get into the local uni and had to depend on my poor parents to loan me the money for my tution fees to get into a private uni.

I'm not agree with the FTs or blame them if they don't feel anything about this country. To begin with, they just only came over cos' there's a good deal. Education is almost free for them. Besides, it's not their country in the 1st place. Just reap the benefits and move back home afterwards. At most, only stuck in SG for a few years as part of the bond. But as for the rest of the Singaporeans, we are paying for their higher education, but struggling to pay for our own.

What I'm rather upset with, is what was PAP's idea in doing so? Last official statistics reveal that 40% of SG populations are not even native Singaporeans, but a combination of PRs and FTs. Getting FTs to improve our economy is only a mere smokescreen. Either that, or a VERY careless handling of the inflow of FTs...

Should we vote for the oppositions? It's not a clear answer. At the end of the day, one cannot assume there's any saint in politics, and voting is only to choose the lesser evil.

Recently saw the comment of a friend on FB, which I thought it's rather upsetting. He appears more ready to trust the PAP, just because they started apologising. There comes a time that one may choose to forgive a person, because he appears to be sincere. But this is not the time, because people will still continue to be harmed while the wrongdoers are forgiven. Just as the million dollars ministers' salary. By continuing to vote for these people, you are saying that it is ok that there are people at the lowest level who are still starving while the ministers, despite the issues already raised in parliament, choose to do nothing about it, because they already given them 2 meals a day. It is easy to vote in terms of self-interests, rather than the bigger perspective, because other problems are "none of your business". Similarly, I was also reminded of yet another well-to-do friend who's disinterested in politics because people are just over-exaggerating their grievance towards the ruling party, and that he has the opportunity to live in the US anyway. The death of osama seemed like a more salient issue to him than this coming GE where there's finally a gleams of opportunity for Singaporeans. Well, it's none of his business if the govt tax is 100% in SG, if he never comes back to SG anyway.

George Yeo's Message

2011-05-04T14:52:00.003+08:00

Just came back from ISORG exam. Finally one paper down.

Just watched a video of Minister George Yeo's personal message to youth. General message is that he'll learn to better listen to the opinions, in particular that of the younger generations in future, regardless of whether votes goes to him or not for the coming election. And he appears sincere, to add. There's no more of those threats like "Singapore's progress will definitely be handicapped if you don't vote for PAP", or "You need to examine the oppositions' claims carefully.".

To be fair with him, his performance as a minister is reasonably good enough. Perhaps due to the fact that he's in-charge of managing foreign relationship, and therefore he doesn't have much opportunity to incur the wrath of citizens, unlike the other ministers who needs to tinker with domestic policies.

However, why now? Why is it that suddenly he is willing to listen to our opinions only when election draw close and there's a high likelihood that he'll lose his area's GRC (Aljunied) due to LTK personally leaving Hougang and leading candidates to contest his area? What was happening during the 10 years time that the current leaders were in office?

Here's how I see it: PAP is no longer capable of self-regulating and balancing the needs of the people to nation's objective. And it cannot revitalise itself via the efforts of a few truly sincere mps or ministers. As such, it is necessary to introduce oppositions to the parliament, which does listen to our voice and provide feedback, if not fresh ideas on how to run the state. This will forces PAP to get serious, which is in the nation's interest. I believe PAP is still likely to be the ruling party anyway, until the aging supporters of the PAP gradually decline. The supporters of the oppositions are mainly the working classes who have been impacted by the side effects of the policies, the younger generations who research (i hope) about the parties to vote, and international observers (albeit their influence is not a direct one since they don't have voting rights). Besisdes, I would also like to believe that it is not the end of the world even if the voters vote of undeserving oppositions in the coming election, since if they do not perform, similarly they would be given the boot, albeit 5 years later.

So in short, it's really nothing personally, even if George Yeo loses his area. But how will his colleagues see him, and what will become of him, will be a mystery. If he's good, hopefully he stays in the parliament, perhaps by running for the presidency? There's still chance to serve anyway, unless PAP decides to give him a boot.

Just to digress abit. I've been thinking about what the oppositions suggested, and I could understand the strategy that LTK is trying to play, by not revealing their plans too early. Underpromise, overdeliver and that's how to keep people happy. Besides, they can't do anything if the govt doesn't give them money to deliver what they promised. Anyway, people are also more ready to trust the oppositions anyway, even if their plans were vague, esp for WP and SPP with proven records, because people already angry with PAP. But at the end of the day, if PAP really does clean out its act, i doubt most people actually care who's the ruling party anyway. All voters have the same desire for good governance, regardless of who they support. (Unless we look at conspiracy theory).

With regards to the ministers' salary, frankly speaking, it doesn't bother me, IF they are able to achieve perfect governance and control the cost of living to the extend that NOBODY in the country has to starve or worry about their liability or shelter, and EVERYONE is able to enjoy a Switz-standard of living, as long as they are willing to work. All is well, as long as the quality of life is not affected. However, since it appears that it is impossible (i doubt any country achieved that yet) and also that the govt kept preaching the doctrine of self-reliance, it appears that the salary of the ministers need to be brought down, so that they do not enjoy stability of income for minimal efforts. In my opinion, any gain in total revenue to the nations treasury from the nation's growth, should 1st and foremost be distributed to help the lowest income group in the nation. This is especially since some of these families are permanently incapable of working, perhaps due to extreme old age, or physically/mentally handicapped. Then, another portion should be distributed to help local SMEs grow. A third portion should be saved, and finally the fourth portion to be given to ministers and mps as bonus for their contribution for the year.

Last thing that is completely irrelevant. I saw a PRC lady giving up her seat to an elderly. That's a nice sight for once. =)

2011-05-03T19:05:00.001+08:00

It is necessary.

Possible Change in Singapore Political Planescape

2011-05-01T02:24:00.002+08:00

It's kinda strange but I would never thought that I would actually pay so much attention to politics. To me, politics is just about cheating and winning. At the end of the day, it's not really about who is the most capable, but who is best at convincing people or handicapping others. And after election, life goes on, except the winner gets more say in how the country should be run, and more importantly how many zeroes are there behind one's salary. I assume that all these hasn't change yet, but this year is a little different, given the sudden massive uprising and challenge by opposition parties against the incumbent. The monopolist is shaken.

Let me begin delving on this topic on a lighter note. I remembered when I was young, we've been pushed to excel in academics. We were advised by parents and relatives that one needs to excel in academics in order to make a living. This... "passport" called certification. We slough through kindergarden, all the way to university, "stepping" on top of others in the process of "success". And we are so proud of ourselves for that. Yes, I know this is the reality of life, but is this what we really want? Maybe it might not matter what we want, since we cannot change reality. Oh. Really? Is that self-fulfilling prophecy in the making? Would anyone have at least done something insignificant, in hope that things would one day change? Anyway, about almost 10 years ago from today, I was told that almost all the young working populations are at least a degree holder. And I suspect that it will be Masters in another 10 years time.

What am I getting at? Why are we so... strangled by meritocracy? It's because of competition, and Singapore needs these type of unhealthy competition in order to thrive. Or so the PAP thinks. I need to clarify myself 1st. I'm not disagree that we should not have competition, but rather, we should make it a healthier one. When one's future is highly dependent solely on academic success, people will go all out for it, whether they like it all not. Some people are just better off that others academically. Some are just luckier that they were able to afford external tutions or come from knowledgeable families to help their kids "succeed". The playing field was never levelled. On a sidenote, overemphasize on education also means we are naturally short on talents in other areas. As such, we have to induct foreign talents to make up for what we don't have, and then we call these people "Singaporeans" too.

What the source of all these problems? Education. The PAP did not seemed to have the foresight to rectify the problems in our education system. At least, not until it's a tad too late now. How does Singapore wants to stay competitive? She first needs to recognise that it could compete from many angles, despite it's lack of natural resources. Any childhood psychologist can tell you that every child has different inclinations and potentials. Rather than forces them to do what they are not inclined towards, it's better to discover and develop their strengths. Does a better education system exist? Probably. Take a look at Switzerland:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Education_in_Switzerland

A system of apprenticeship with private companies make the knowledge that we gain more relevant. And we get to choose to go into fields we are better at. It's even ranked 1st in terms of Global Competitiveness by World Economic Forum! A further reading also reveals that the education system at some levels are highly focused on group performances, just like I polytechnic. But wait! It's almost the end if you get into polytechnic since it's difficult to get into the public university unless you're in the top 3% of the cohort! And without a degree in Singapore, you will find that you'll need workfare really soon in 20 years in an average job. Another point here to make is that education should teach cooperation at early stage of a student life, if it were to inculcate this positive value.

What? An ordinary citizen can't change the education system? Bugger. Then who can change? The government! But... who's the government? It was PAP, and they have been the incumbent for about 5 decades already. Its contribution in the 1st 3 decades was admirable, but things were about going downhill in many aspects in esp. the last decade. I wouldn't even list the screw-ups since I believe the media and oppositions have been repeating them over and over like a broken record, due to the election period. But I've stated 1 of my main concern and suggestions above, which I thought that neither the opposition nor PAP actually addresses at all.

I may seemed like an opposition supporter now, but it doesn't mean I do not weigh the value of what was said by the PAP. For example, I do agree with MM Lee that we should not move away from the manufacturing industries and focus on service industries, as per suggestion of SDP's candidate Tan Jee Say. After all, a healthy portfolio has a good mix of investments in different industries. But I would like to caution about bringing in FTs to replace existing Singaporeans, regardless of whichever industries. And that has already been the case with the 2 IRs in Singapore, with the majority of the higher mgt and base jobs going to the FTs. Singaporeans are only the really thin patty in the middle. So much for creating job opportunities.

My final concern is with how the government is going to help the poor. Yes, I know there's workfares and some low-income assistance schemes. But from what I've read (the issue was raised by my area's MP Dr Lily Neo... PAP's MP but really fabulous lady), at the really low level, the assistance schemes are only able to pay off for 2 meals a day, which equates to $6/day. All is well and fine. Wait. 2 Meals? Is that called subsistence? At the lowest level, most of them have no means of wealth growth, and they have no means of getting an income. Worse still, what happens if they need medical coverage? And what about housing loans, if any? Well, her colleagues in parliament rebutted her with the model answers of what the govt has done to help the lower income group. But Dr Neo's question was not answer, cos the problem is mention still exist AFTER all these temporary aids. Then came Dr. Balakrishnan's doctrine of no-reliance... to not advocate people's over-reliance on the govt. A be-all-end-all answer to say no to additional funding despite posting good financial results for the year. The problem here is that those at the lowest level are permanently incapable of making a living already. So should the govt just let them die since they cannot contribute?

I'm rather disturbed by this, because of where I live in. Everyday, I can see some old people sleeping on benches or cupboards below my flat when night falls. And I remembered an old lady who would lay a styrofoam box on the floor and display a few miserable stalks of parsley or leek, or 1 or 2 tomatoes of carrot, hoping that someone would buy them. My mom seemed to know this old lady and happened to find out that those are stuffs that people donated to her. And she was still sitting there until 9pm. What is the government doing to help these people all these while? Really... I don't know. In my capacity, there's only so much I can do if I buy from her, so she at least earn enough for another meal, but I can't be doing that everyday. Then, how is she going to take care of her next meal? This, is poor. Not about not being able to afford IPhone. For the most of us including myself, we're somewhat closer to the middle class. For the record, I can't afford an IPhone... yet, and I might not be keen anyway. I digressed.

And that is all I have to say.

Enlightenment

2011-04-23T19:02:00.003+08:00

I just visited a bookstall. Yep. Not bookstore. Sells 2nd-hand books there. Suddenly have an overwhelming feeling. Like an enlightenment.

Everyone has differing opinions. Many people wants to convince the world that their opinion is the "truth". Everyone has different interests in different topics. It's like... books. Which book will you buy? The one that is most widely read? The one that is most similar to your own philosophy? Is there really a one best book that can tell you the universal truth? No. I'm not referring to the Bible. For the record, the bible is one of the worst creation the moment it says that the world is flat and has 4 corners. Anyway, when you chose a book and follow its advice/idealogy, will the author be responsible for your life if you screw up? At the other end, the idea of selling ideas irresponsibly is a lucrative one indeed.

In the end, I bought something about condensing what MBA learns within 10 days. Hopefully it's something applicable and enlightening. If not, I'll just be wasting 10 days and $15 anyway. Oh. Btw, different versions of the Bible is on sale too.

This blog is around as a free advice, of some kind. Gives people insight into who am I as a person, whether I'm hopelessly screwed up or wise. But at least, I write my own blog, rather than books that people pay for. I don't tell people that my worldview is the best either, but leaves the judgment to those who even bother to read it in the 1st place.

2011-04-07T23:08:00.003+08:00

Saw a friend's status on facebook. Can't help but comment on it, albeit not on facebook, just in case it becomes a debate not worth starting. Will be somewhat Buddhism-related, so probably not advisable for those not interested.

为得解脱而求心安
此乃心住于“安”而生乐
为除极寂而重情谊
此乃心住于“情”而生乐

既求乐，何有智愚之分？
既无心，何有“安”之感？

但愿天下一切众生能惜“有”，也能安住与“无”

2011-04-06T18:54:00.003+08:00

This is absurd! Probably I'm saying this cos I'm particularly peeved at the fact that years of education under the UK education system (eg. O' levels), esp since I've just got back my prelim papers for my finals. Appears that the quality of argument and assessing the understanding of the students is secondary, compared to being capable of regurgitating what was studied. Probably cos I'm terrible at memorising, that I'm at a disadvantage.

Even more funny is these educators frequently talks about students who could understand the subjects are able to present the subjects in certain ways, like quoting the various arguments of theorists, to prove that we understand them. I could watch a kungfu film and imitate kungfu, but it doesn't means i really do know kungfu, or better still, how to really defend myself. I would have been able to understand the rationality of such approach, if the subjects involved are hard sciences, but soft science like psychology and business studies should be approached in such a way that the students understand the underlying rationality of theories, and hence able to apply or contest them, rather than mere regurgitation of theories and classical arguments.

I would have suggested that such old-British style of education be abolished, and perhaps take on a more American style of education, where the answer is not as important as the process. After all, in the real working world, the capability to recall knowledge is already being aided with the help of technology.

What technology cannot fully replace human, is the ability to analyse and perform decision making. One might argue that where problems encountered are structured and routine, one can compute an algorithm which would help tackle the problem, hence decision making. But in truth, someone MUST understand the problem 1st, and come up with plausible solutions to the problem, in order to program the computer to do it!

2011-03-09T16:33:00.002+08:00

Those who keep trying and eventually succeed, will never understand the pain of those who keep trying and never succeed.

It is easy to say that efforts beget success. At least, those who succeeded can easily say that. And if a person really died trying, the best result he/she ever have at his funeral were words of praises for his determination.

Well, leave the flattery to the dead man. There's nothing that person can do when he's alive, even if he has the spirit.

Get a life. Not.

2011-02-21T17:39:00.002+08:00

Wouldn't it be nice if we know what others think of ourselves?

When I stand from my others' perspective when I communicate with people, sometimes I get this feeling that people will think that I need to get a life. Stop worrying about too much things.

Easier said than done. This worrisome, perhaps overly pessimistic thinking is what that could at least get me to where I am today. Some people just need to not have a life, in order to even just merely stay afloat.

2011-02-15T16:34:00.001+08:00

... There is no happily ever after at the point of no return. It is just the path of desperation.

2011-02-11T21:05:00.002+08:00

Uber peeved. Can't stand simpleton parents who only knows how to nag for the sake of nagging.

Just applied for internship a few days ago and i'm shortlisted for the interview. I thought it's a good news. Mom's worried what if another better paying job comes along. She only knows that the pay sucks, then ask me if what I've applied got 前途. She asked that a few days ago as well. To her, the higher paying the job, the better, probably even if it means doing shit. It's probably her experience, since she's been stuck in a family business for at least two decades, not having to even worry about looking for a job. To me, pay is important, but one need to be more realistic.

In the 1st place, how do I know if a job has prospect for me, unless i've been there for at least a year or two?
2nd, how do i even get those high paying jobs if I've not even built up my skillsets and experience?
3rd, she do not understand anything about a career fit. Just because a particular job can make big money, doesn't means that everyone is suit for it. Else, everyone might as well go for Sales since a top salesperson makes pretty big money, even if he/she's only pri sch educated. Or better still, be an entrepreneur.

Her overprotectiveness makes it difficult for me to be independent. Things are most of the time planned out for me, in the way she thinks is good, based on her narrow perspective. When harm is done, I'm the one having to manage them. For example, I've never actually secured a job on my own, without her insisting that she'll get some of her clients to recommend me in. This is a problem, cos if i'm going to start learning how to find a job after i lost the last one at the age of 30ish, it'll be a crisis. It's also just as how i can't study well without a tutor, because tutors were hired to assist me before 1st day of primary sch.

If she's not wrong to be overprotective, then am I wrong in wanting to learn to be independent? Sometimes, I kinda envy Claire. Although living alone and having to be completely independent financially is tough, but at least life is somewhat more meaningful, cos everything is worked towards the direction one wants to head to. Also, if you could learn to be independent, it gives you courage to face whatever life has thrown at you, rather than not being able to do anything at all.

2011-01-28T00:45:00.002+08:00

It's really not about winning or losing. It's just... why can't I just get things done right?

At the end of the day, i'm really not good at anything at all. Not even singing. Not even academics. Not even human relationships. Not even luck.

The least I could do is keep a smiling face and tell people I'm ok. It's really not ok. But... "I'm ok." Least I could do is not to be a wet blanket or make them feel obliged that they need to pamper me with consolation.

2011-01-02T23:13:00.003+08:00

It would be nice, if we could just say what we really want to say for once, without having to worry about negative judgments. It would be nice, if I could say "i like you".

But i guess i have to make do with contenting with assuming that this is a beautiful misunderstanding on my part.

Doomsday

2010-12-29T02:09:00.002+08:00

Just read an unbelievable news, about giant spaceships are gonna attack earth in 2012.

http://news.asiaone.com/News/Latest+News/Asia/Story/A1Story20101227-254977.html

Let me guess, it'll be 12/12/2012, as according to the Mayan calender. Is that right? Based on the Mayan calender, it's not an indication of doomsday, but merely the end of the cycle of it's calender, just like our yearly calender. Also, how does the scientists know that the object detected are spaceships, and not some large meteorites or supernova's fragment trajectories? After all, an optical visual is only possible from Earth if it's at least close to Mars (and it's currently beyond Plato). Finally, how is one to know the intent of the extraterrestrial (assuming they do exist)?

Putting aside the facts. Assuming it will happen. Assuming it's not aliens, but large size meteorite striking earth. Scientifically speaking, any exceedingly large meteorite striking our surface is sufficient to bring an end to earth's population. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impact_event)

Hmm...

Having someone special by your side before death seemed like a great idea, but i don't think everyone can afford the same luxury... I suppose I'll make do with a few carton of Royce's Nana Chocolate.

On Investment - Forex

2010-11-21T01:49:00.004+08:00

I was just surfing at random, suddenly thought about forex, after watching Wall Streets: Money Never Sleeps. And the thought of forex reminded me of 2 events: A recent conversation between my vocal teacher and a clubmate about learning Forex. And also, a financial course I've attended before on stock trading.

I was told before that there's no one in this world that made his/her fortune out of Forex alone, unlike entrepreneurs, stocks investors, etc. Just checked my facts on the net and it seemed true. Even the only one person who succeeded it (George Soros), only becomes bloody rich cos of just one extremely successful speculation, rather than it being a continuous process.

I actually felt that I should advise my clubmate about the risks involved (even though my understanding of Forex is only very mediocre), especially for someone who probably is new to the investment world. I actually noticed a further pattern in people who are obsessed with speculative investing: They tend to apply leverage more careless than they ought to. It's a gamble, even with sophisticated trading options like trailing stops, price targeting, etc.

The currency differences are usually either positive or negative. The fundamentals involved that influences the currencies are complex and not always a determinant. For example, how will you speculate the rise or fall of a currency when there are numerous financial news that points to both the rise and fall of the currency concurrently? For all we know, Euro dollar likely to take a hike, due to the EU decided to bail Ireland out of it's financial ravage. And it wasn't too long ago within this year that Greece needed a bailout from the EU as well. The situation could have been interpreted as:

1. This signifies potential financial problems with member countries of the EU. Euro dollar could continue to depreciate for the time being. Best to dispose existing investments against Euro dollars.

2. The EU and IMF will always bail out its members, therefore investors are always safe. Should acquire more Euro dollar while it's cheap.

At the least, it seemed to me that the EU is unlikely to allow the Euro currency be destroyed anytime soon. Curiously, Germany seemed to be against the bailout in both incident. What could this spell?

I guess stocks are somewhat safer. The fundamentals are on the company's balance sheet. Yes, the stock price does not always go along with the intrinsic value of the company, but at least a fundamentally strong firm, or one with strong competitive advantage doesn't die that easily. Besides, technical analysis could also be applied to speculate the market, when there's no particularly news on the market. The two could be combined together, so that even if risks need to be taken, it's taken reasonably. And of course, personal finance management is also a key part to risk management. Only invest what you can afford to lose. And of course, with the aid of trading tools as like I've mentioned for Forex earlier on, it further helps to monitor and enter/leave the market as quickly (unless there's a sudden price gap that exceed the target price boundary).

2010-11-19T14:16:00.001+08:00

一只没有脚的小鸟，只有在死的时候，才终于能落地。

Altruism

2010-11-08T01:00:00.002+08:00

I was debating with a friend on facebook earlier on. We talked about alot of things, but mostly about what we shouldn't... such as religion. We talked about morality as well. One of his view on humanity thoroughly shocked me...

In summary of what he claimed: "Altruism is simply heuristic thinking. Heuristic thinking need not be rationalised prior to event. It can also be genetic."

According to him, people perform socially desirable acts as a result to weighing ones benefits and costs. Indeed, that is true, but it doesn't applies across the board for all scenarios and people. But to claim that failure to weigh such self-serving benefits and costs is simply as a result of heuristic thinking... I've this feeling that he overapplied the concept of "heuristic thinking".

From what I've learnt in Buddhism, we were taught that the general guideline of morality, is to do what benefits yourself and others. Therefore, immorality is to harm yourself and others. How do we benefit others? We empathize, put ourselves in others' shoes, to find out how can we help others. But these are only in deeds. True cultivation of the heart is also to discipline ourselves by also not allowing ourselves to feel proud of the good deeds we've done, or desire for any rewards. This, in my opinion, is truly altruism.

诸恶莫作。众善奉行。自净其意。

同感

2010-09-19T02:37:00.002+08:00

最近因为认识了一些人, 发现了一些事, 便有了一些感触.

往往觉得自己唯一一个人存在在这世界。
总觉得其他人都是盲目的, 被锁在这世界, 似乎在无谓的最求名利与单纯的美色, 或是无疑问地迷惑于宗教的信念。

但在茫茫人海中, 却偶然发现, 其实也有人有和我一样的感觉, 甚至一样的无奈。
突然间觉得自己不再是一个人在挣扎, 终于在这荒野的沙漠里, 看到了真的人影。

本来应该感到高兴, 但觉得更加无奈。
要如何开口呢? "你好! 我也和你一样, 感到无奈。"? 或许只能以无名的身份, 在他/她的blog上留些鼓励。。。或许这是他们永远都不知道的事，我也不甘心。。。但这世界还有几个人能和他躺开胸怀？

成长的岁月，包括了那么多的猜疑与背叛。。。有时真希望大家从来就不需要长大。。。明明大家的心情都是一样的，偏偏隔了那么多门与锁头，这是何苦？大家要向前看。。。前面真的每次都那么好看吗？

Musical Euphoria

2010-09-01T21:57:00.002+08:00

For a long while, my life has been having like crazy currents running under seemingly still water. I always have an interest for music in general, but it was about a year ago that the interest leads me into something deeper: Singing. It's a mean to vent my frustrations. Even so, it seemed that it's beginning to lose it's effect... until I just reached another level.

Recently fell in love with a song by Jay Zhou's 说了再见. Been hunting around for any traces of music that resonates with what's going on inside me, but for most of the time, it's hard to find an exact match. Earlier on, I managed to find the piano solo version of that song on youtube. That's when I realised what I've forgotten all these while. In a song, there are the lyrics, the melody and the vocal/s. The former tells the story of the song. The latter expresses/interprets the story of the song by using vocal techniques to enhance the story-telling process. If we take out the former and the latter, it leaves us with the melody, for us to plug our own meaning... and even lyrics into the song, to make it "our song". Back to the example I've given, 说了再见 is a song interpreted by Jay Zhou. It's his story, his song. But after listening to quite sometime, I get this feeling that I would like to have my own version of the story too, even though the story might not be completely relevant to the original lyrics or interpreted in the same way as the original artis/producer wants it to be.

Quote another example. Canon in D by Pachelbel. It was commonly used as a wedding theme. But in an old advertisement by Pantene, the very same music was used as the underlying theme... to tell the story of a young deaf gal who went through to much hardships and faced discrimination to participate and win a classic recital competition. The music was thus interpreted as akin to narrating the butterfly slowly breaking free from it's cocoon, away from its previously unassuming form.

Guess I'll be loading my ipod with the instrumental pieces soon enough.

Crappy Sentosa Management II

2010-08-04T12:12:00.002+08:00

Such fine weather. Looks like its gonna rain again. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I really love rainy days. It's cooling. Perfect for a good afternoon nap, or to generate inspiration for song-writing.

Anyway, it's back again with more updates on craps from work.

What's the rationale for a customer to tip a service staff? It is a compliment and reward for their good service. It is as far as it is like sales commission which should go directly to the sales personnel who sealed the deal. But strangely, things doesn't work that way over at my end. I'm not exactly sure if that's how it goes in other parts of FnB outlets in Singapore too. At least over at my side, part-timers are not entitled to tips even if given to them by the customers. To make the matter worse, the upper management passed down the instruction that only full-timers are entitled to it. Furthermore, it seems like the management had an idea that they only wanted the full-timers to act in supervisory position, rather than actually assisting in the real groundwork.

Consequences? Firstly, it drives a wedge between the regulars and part-timers. Part-timers ain't happy that the upper management expects so much from the part-timers, doing the manual job, serving the guests personally, only to be rewarded with criticism, distrust, and unfairness due to the tips issue. It increases likelihood of delinquency in part-timers, which in turn might result in substandard service and non-cooperation with the full-timers. The backlash of this can result in customers' complaints and increasing distrust by the full-timers on the part-timers. I've worked at yet another part of Sentosa where the manager and supervisor personally get their hands dirty to help the servicing staffs. Those are whom I actually held respect for. The manager of the casino himself actually passed down some magic words... Humble, Trust, Respect. In the latter case, I really saw a humble attitude in the management. If things are important or difficult, at least help out, rather that lashing out harsh words and crossing arms, watching things happening at one end of the floor, especially when there's shortage of manpower. They really earned my respect. There's hardly much trust in the case of the former...

"Cover backside". To cover yourself from responsibility. Well... If you had to work independently, I guess it's important to limit your responsibility. But if the work involved requires teamwork, the members needs to be team players, and the management requires more delicate hands to manage the members... and definitely not one with priority to lookout for someone to be blamed. A corrective action is necessary, but not necessarily one that is always disciplinary in nature. Sometimes, procedures can be changed to allow staffs to function more effectively. At other times, some things are best not to micromanage, to provide for some level of sensibility and flexibility as the situation requires.

On a sidenote, I've noticed an interesting example while at work. They seemed to have manager (or management executive) who would ask guests for feedback after they finished gaming. In western culture where gambling tends to be more of a hobby to kill a little time after dinner, winning and losing seemed to have much lesser impact on their mood... or at least most of the average people. But for the Asian counterparts... Gambling is pervasive. Many are likely to spend hours, if not days in a casino, gambling their life away. And most of the time, guests aren't happy to have lost alot. The manager... approached a lady who left a gambling table, looking displeased. When the manager asked for feedback, she replied that she's not happy she lost alot. The manager in turned tried to console her and said he's sorry for her lost... I'm exactly sure how sorry he is, but I'm pretty sure he asked the guest at the worst timing possible... if not being insensitive. He's trying to do his job, but he wouldn't be able to get his job done properly for his responsibility. 事倍功半。

Conclusion: Life is never fair.
After all, it seemed like there are plenty of people out there who just got nowhere to throw their money, easily gambling away over 1 year of our salary in a single stake. Doesn't that make sense how the GDP still increases per year and yet there's so much people who just don't earn enough?

大海

2010-07-31T14:50:00.002+08:00

不知道为什么。。。最近一直感到一丝丝的快乐，但后儿也带来着幽幽的悲伤。最近一些人与事进入了我的生活，但也有些人逐渐离开了我，总觉得好像很多重要的东西都不在我的掌控之中。。。无能力抓住他。或许我不配拥有幸福吧。。。好几天的漫天大雨，似乎反照出了我的内心世界。

如果大海能够带走我的哀愁。。。

Strange Happenings

2010-07-25T19:44:00.003+08:00

Been getting alot of weird calls lately. Not too long ago, I've got an overseas call from who-knows-where. Think it's China, since I've also received calls from there last year, telling me that I've strike an international lottery or something. And a few moments ago, there came a local sms from someone called brian, asking me if I'm bi or aj. When I further probe since when I gave him my number, he claimed it's last year. When finally I asked who he's looking for, there was no reply afterwards. Shrug. A gay trying to do random hookups, or a prank from some friend who juz changed his number? Either way, I didn't bother to call.

Also had a strange dream the night before that I met up with my current colleagues for K session, then I sang till I was crying. I vaguely remembered that just before my sleep, I was pondering upon something about not letting go of potentially important people, or they will just rub shoulders with you and be gone forever, like the number of people's contact I have on msn or on phone, but we never choose to talk to each other anymore. Was also thinking over what my colleague, SW said to give a call and go out.

Been thinking quite abit over this weekends. Probably because I'm gonna stop part-timing soon, and right after reservice (which would also spell an end to the last long holiday as a student), it's time to mug for my final year. Been curious about the developments in my club, but I think that non-intervention is best since I'm no longer in position anymore and I guess that I should have more faith in the new excos after myself.

The future still looks quite foggy for me. I can't see where I'll end up at.

Idiotic China Worker

2010-06-26T10:13:00.002+08:00

I'm blogging this entry right after coming home from a graveyard shift. Damn pissed with a China bugger who don't use his brain to work, or at least have a sense of working peacefully with colleagues. Before I got on ranting, I would like to put up a disclaimer: This is NOT intended to refer to ALL China people, but a good number of them who exhibits such behaviour. Here goes the story:

It is near change shift time. My shift was coming to an end. Most people have the tendency to not bother with helping the next shift top up their supplies. I'm was tasked with supplying all the stations for my shift. Being nice, I've topped up all the stations with supplies by at least an excess of 50% more, as a sign of proper hand-over... which something most other people wouldn't have bothered. All except one station, but the supply is more than enough to last for at least 2 hrs., which is at least enough time for anyone to take a slow stroll to top up that supply at least 4 times over. And anyway, even my guy at that station also feel that there's still more than enough, so I didn't bother to rush that.

Then this China bugger came to take over my job when change shift, so i'm supposed to be able to go off already and everything's in order. Then he started ranting, "Your guys didn't top up everything completely! You all supposed to handover everything in perfect order!". All the while, he didn't realise he's ranting to the person doing the job. I said, "I'm was in-charge of the supplies. What is your issue?" That's when he tried to wriggle out and suddenly trying to play nice, "Oh! But you need to go off already, right? Just leave it to me then." What is this? It's my fault and he's being nice by forgiving me? I was damned pissed and went to rush to pick up the supplies in 5 mins time, slapped an excess more than that station can hold, and told his (another china) colleague, "Your colleague is making a big fuss over that bit of supplies not filled to brim! What the hell is wrong with him?". He quietly picked the supplies for packing, but i didn't even bother waiting to see what he's going to do with the excess that he couldn't store. Btw, what's missing is only 10 bottles of soft drinks out of 60. That's all to the commotion he's making.

My job is not to make sure that the person taking over me can afford to slack and cross their legs for the next 3 hrs, since he's not paying me my salary. The principle is that as long as I'm not leaving them with shortage all over the place, I'm being responsible enough already, which most other staffs would not have been that kind. If he needed help with topping up the excess, at least have the decency to do it together, since he's also on the job, and not rant at one corner.

On a sidenote, here's a little maths logic to it: You can't predict the demand very well for which soft drinks the customers prefer, so if you top up the wrong one, you'll have little space for the more popular ones and the person topping up the supplies will have to go on multiple runs. A little bit of free space without causing a shortage in supply is also a resource. I dunno why the educational field look up to these people simply because they can remember things by rout, but don't apply flexible thinking to different scenarios.

The search for the one optimal solution, is at times is in itself a suboptimal solution. Not everything is 1 + 1 = 2 or always 3. I don't trust academicians very much. They tend to use beautiful language and ideals like 1 +1 = 3, but what about 2.999 or 4.6294? Believe me. If they could, they would have add it to their vocabulary and insist that the optimal solution is 2.999. Unless lives are at stake on accuracy, a perfect world is one that is imperfect... to an acceptable standard.

Crappy Sentosa Management

2010-06-22T14:20:00.003+08:00

Lame regimentation?

I'm starting work tomorrow night at Sentosa's Casino tomorrow. Still relatively pissed about the dress code issue. In my opinion, if the waiter/waitress' dresscode is acceptable by bank industry standard, why not the FnB industry? And even if they still think that it's appropriate for us to standardise our outfit, then why don't they provide staff's attire instead? I had to go to the extent of looking for ugly, baggy, black long pants myself, at my own expense, just for this part-time job that doesn't even pay well. As if it's not enough, you don't get to keep any tips given to you by the patrons, as all the tips belongs to the casino. So really, why am I obliged to perform well, when the job doesn't pays well and it's not of my concern whether I get tipped or not? At least if you get some sales related jobs outside, you get an acceptable base pay, plus a decent commission for each deal you've secured.

Mismanagement and Ethics

2010-06-12T17:01:00.003+08:00

I was checking through my email today when I come across a newsletter sent by SIM. There was an invitation to attend the seminar of a certain management expert. I thought that it's not a bad idea to attend the seminar for some inspiration. There was an introduction video. Checked the link:

The expert started talking about about use of Internet in the recent age, and how businesses should make full use of the Internet to drive their business, like "how effectively porn distributes online". Epic failure on 2 points... Firstly, IT is already not a new technology that was born a few years back, but about two decades already. An opening speech like this is either belittling the audience, or that perhaps he's incredibly outdated. On a sidenote, he's an old geezer... Secondly, porn is not an appropriate example, not because of it's obscene nature. Many businesses, especially in the earlier days were particularly inspired by the effectiveness of porn distribution on the Internet and hoped to imitate the success by doing advertising in the same way. It eventually leads to the use of pop-ups, banners and even tracker cookies. I'm not exactly sure of the effectiveness of such, but the younger generation of the Internet users find them to be a nuisance. Even if consumers could remember the name and product due to intense repetition from looking at the pop-ups and banners, it's usually only negative reinforcement.

The expert then went on to bring up the point on privacy, and advises all parents and consumers to adjust their facebook privacy settings. Make sense. We are revealing too much information without being aware of it. But the rationale he suggested... "You might not be able to get your dream job because of something inappropriate on your facebook, such as pictures of how you had fun at a party when you were 17, and that's not the real you". Is it good management practice to recruit people based on some facebook profiles, rather than on solid working experiences and expertise? How superficial can a management guru gets?

So who's gonna benefit from a speech like these? Spyware/Adware makers who help consumers block out unwanted ads and cookies; Internet advertising firms which continues to send out the propaganda unethical Internet advertising techniques are effective; The expert guru himself who charges a high price for people attending his seminars. Frankly speaking, I might be hasty to judge the guru based on a 5mins introduction video of him, but I decided that my money is safer with me when I'm lacking information to make better evaluation of the effectiveness of his seminars.

Human Err

2010-06-04T02:41:00.002+08:00

Sometimes when reading the news or holding a conversation, I get incredibly work-up. There's a sheer number of figureheads and ordinary people who have a strong tendency to accept what the majority do or told them. Human's mind are so fragile. The need to conform is especially loathing. Marketers and evangelistic religious domination would love that. Bandwagon effect. Ever remember having a debate with friends when the majority of the people agrees that a shirt is black color, when some actually thinks it's dark blue, and in the end, everyone ended up agreeing with the majority? It's fine when it's just a trivial day-to-day impersonal stuffs, but when it comes to matter of religion, human rights, morality...? One culture's perceived immorality could just kill a few thousand of people without remorse, simply because they are deviates. There's no real effort on the majority's part to understand the two-sides of the coin, or to put aside personal conviction 1st.

But at the same time, there are also smart-alecks out there who simply disagree with everything the majority thinks is correct, just so as to appear different, if not smarter than the rest of the human populace. I've the tendency to make this mistake myself sometimes, but only cos' I believe that there's no whole truth in "truth". I think that people need to find an answer for themselves, rather than rely purely on what people say. Whether you'll end up as a majority or the minority is only a matter of consequence, rather than being a reason to agreeing/disagreeing something.

Even if we eventually come to a personal conclusion through research and experience, there's also a possibility that others who have also done the same might arrive at a different conclusion. This is where freedom of thoughts and beliefs come in. If people cannot accept your thoughts, you do not push it upon them. There are exceptions of course, such as the golden rule of reciprocal: Harm not yourself AND others.

Over here, I'm not trying to push my readers to believe everything I've said, despite the fact that I try to keep my thoughts and perspectives organised and accurately represented. I only hope that people read about what I have to say, AND think about it. DO some research. Experience. Learn. AND then empathize. Don't just take what you read for granted, like how typical Singapore education taught us how to study, where we so readily accept and memorise everything we are taught.

Logging out.

Conservative's Slippery Slope Arguments in SG

2010-04-26T13:44:00.003+08:00

Just back from morning class. Zzz. So sleepy, especially with the rain and boring lecture.

I stepped into the house and saw last night's chinese newspaper, with the front cover of people critisizing LiuQian (the uber famous magician in Taiwan/China recently), because he performed too much death-defying tricks. Was claimed that he's getting more demonic.

A random thought came across my mine. I remembered this programme on Power 98 where Glenn Ong played all the vocals for The Misfits segment. Was one of my fav segments back when I was still in sec sch. Did a search and came across a news about Glenn Ong seperated with Jamie Yeo. Did yet a further search on Jamie Yeo in general, and I chance upon lots of controversial links about her, particular of an incident long ago where she related her experience of her naturally experiencing orgasm at age 6 and losing her virginity at age 18. Well, apparently lotsa parents are unhappy about it, but she felt that she's not in the wrong.

1 thing common about these 2 people: I don't really like them. I felt that the former is getting arrogant, and is especially frivolous. The latter... well, her segments on the radio are utterly boring, and i heard it gets worse these days. But still, that's not the point of this entry. The thing I wanna talk about is... What is the limit of this society?

About slightly more than a 100 years ago, Harry Houdini impressed the world with his many death-defying magic tricks, including surviving live burial, water torture cell, etc. These tricks continued to inspire modern-day magicians, and some like LiuQian even went on to develop new tricks out of it. How is it possible that people 100 years ago is more open-minded than modern days people? Or perhaps, people these days just can't accept the fact that magicians these days are becoming increasingly more skilled? Then again, it's Singaporeans. Maybe they rather watch magician jump out of bathroom tub? Oh, the thrill!

And about Jamie Yeo. Well, I do expect some people to react to it. Parents, particularly. But using the word "mind-blowing" to just describe her 1st sex wasn't exactly what I would call explicit. The tomyam banmian I had this morning in school was equally mind-blowing in taste! What's with parents shutting up about the concept of sex to their kids? Kids are naturally curious about everything under the sun. And the more they are told to avoid, the more they will venture to what was forewarned. As a kid, i remembered breaking every rules possible. Touching an operating iron, hot kettle, breaking glass, even stealing. Most of the time, my parents would let the cane do the educating, but some things I never understood until I've reached a certain age and start thinking in others' shoes, as well as learning from personal experience. Anyway, I kinda digressed. Bottomline is, safe exposures are fine. I know of a friend who's parents actually watch adult videos in front of their kids. She doesn't seemed to grow up into someone particularly curious about sex or nudity. I suspect nudity to her is probably more like seeing a nude scene on National Geographics. Anyway, the Jamie Yeo incident is also unnecessarily blown up... by paranoid Singaporean parents. I think, she has the freedom of speech, and those stuffs she mentioned about her 1st discovery of masturbation and her 1st sex... well, there are worse things on the net that are hell lot more blantant. Pornography. Live cams. Etc.

People often forget that public figures are also mere mortals, capable of faults and flaws. But as long as they don't do anything that contravenes their duty, what need is there to push blames on them? After all, you can even have religious leaders committing heinous faults like child molest and fund embezzlement.

Come to think of it, why is the monk MingYi jailed for fund embezzlement, while pastor rony tan public assault on buddhism (an offense in singapore punishable by imprisonment... and there was a case law already...) is let off the hook so easily?

Religion and Morality

2010-04-24T01:16:00.004+08:00

I have decided to conform to my biological clock: Sleep as much as possible in the day, and be ultra constructive at night. For example, i'm doing accountings now at 3am...

I hope it rains 24/7 everyday. The weather's ridiculous these days. Once the rain stops in the afternoon, the night is unbearably hot. Probably global warming. Speaking of which, I was reading a booklet much earlier. Think some people drop it into our letterbox. It's some self-proclaimed spiritual master trying to promote going vegetarian to lessen contribution to global warming. Btw, here's the wiki on her:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ching_Hai

It's worrying what kinda people sprout out from around the world these days. Here, we're looking at a possible philanthropist who self-proclaimed herself as akin to Buddha with supernatural power. And of course, also the setting up of a religious foundation named after herself. And at the same time, being so involved in businesses. Oh. And did i I mention that telling people to chant her name will bring deliverance and aid enlightenment? To promote vegetarian and environmentalism is a good thing. But these surface acts are not indication of a true saint inside... or actually in this case, I actually doubt the sanity of this person itself...

I personally felt that in the present world, people lack healthy skepticism. Religion is a source of spiritual and emotional support. Not alot of people can stand the idea of being unable to explain events happening to them. Not alot of people can live with a "meaningless" life, therefore it must be that God has a plan for us all. Not alot of people dare to take the risk when they are told that they will go to hell if they do not believe. Not many people dare to question their own faith, for fear that it is blasphemy to even doubt. Not many people look beyond the facade (if any), and believed simply because the religion institutes they belong to are doing charitable things.

My point is, things might not appear as it is. There are many religions who claimed themselves as the one true faith. Then my question is, what gives them the right to claim so, as over all other faiths? What exact is "true faith"? Is it so important that it takes priority over humanity altogether? It is so important that you must defend them, even if it means killing/harassing/debasing/(insert negative verbs) the people who also live on this planet with you? My next question is, assuming that this "only true faith" is found, how realistic is it that the preachers of this faith be flawless? Look at the recent child sex scandal in Roman Catholic Church... or rather the whole strings of child sexual abuses in history. Those in religious authority are not necessary flawless. Who is to correct them? The believers? And if the err is less eye-catching, such as misinterpretation of the scriptures/bible, who has to authority to correct them? The proclaimed God? Last I remember, "God" haven't sent a bolt of lightening down to fire the Pope, which explain why he's still sitting comfortably in his office now.

Conclusion: Be realistic. Do what is good for others and ourselves without the need to heed all the talks about supernaturals and God. My point here is not to advocate a disbelief in God, but rather more of discourage a need to be "God-centered". If you can behave like a saint in action because you are already a saint inside you, it doesn't matter what your religion is, because (I believe that) God can't fault a saint for not believing in the incomprehensible supernatural. Of cos, all these talks assuming that God exists in the 1st place. But even if God and afterlife justices does not exist, it shouldn't make contributing meaningfully to the people around you any less important.

There was a rather pessimistic theory that without religion in this world, there would be no morality. I say... even if there's religions, doing what your religions tell you to do doesn't make you any more moral, since you're only bargaining for entry to heaven. For example in Singapore, people give seats to elderly because it's a social norm which if you don't conform, people will look at you as an inconsiderate person. So the very act of giving up seats to the elderly is not an accurate gauge that you are a considerate towards the elderly, but could be that you just don't want to feel embarrassed. At the end of the day, is Singapore a considerate society as compared to other countries? Not necessarily so.

Feedbacks are welcomed. =D

Change, we(I) can

2010-04-20T15:02:00.002+08:00

Think it's time to call a break on all those entertainments, like Naruto/Pokemon/Dragon Age/singing/etc. Well... Maybe not singing. But anyway, it's time to make some changes to lifestyle pattern before the exam comes. Change, I can. =D

At least for now, I'll target to revise a significant amount of things each day. Whether I do manage to finish my revision by the exam deadline is another thing, I guess. But putting the deadline in my head isn't one of the more motivational thing to do when studying is already a drag by itself. Hmm... Each day, be better than I am yesterday.

Back to studies then.

Music

2010-04-10T20:39:00.002+08:00

I've been so caught up by the sloth monster these days that I can't function properly like a person who's supposed to have my exams in less than a month time. Sigh... I think I'll wake up early tomorrow for a run.

Just watched a video on this taiwanese guy with a vocal range of whitney houston.

Reminds me of many singers and sing enthusiasts out there these days. The quality of music seems to be deteriorating. Plenty of people out there seems to like songs without realising that sometimes the lyrics are totally nonsensical. There's also alot of people out there who desired to learn singing cos they wanna be well-known. And there are also some who idolises and try to follow in footsteps of people who execute very difficult vocal techniques.

Music, is a form of expression. The producer of music (ie. Singer, music producer, lyricist, instrumentalist, etc) adds meanings to a song, produce a combination and sequence of music notes, decides on the arrangement of various instruments, and decide on the appropriate usage of vocal techniques. The final product is something that appeals to people, because people can understand the song on the level of meanings, both understood from the lyrics, and the instrumental arrangements that brings out the mood. The listener could be touched/excited/inspired/energised/depressed/angry, depending on what the song wants to bring out.

When the lyrics make no sense, listeners are only listening to the music arrangement, which the singer might as well be absent from. As for people who's into the music industry or learned singing only for fame's sake... the music they typically tried to reproduce typically would lack a touch of meanings. A copycat. Watch youtube, and it shouldn't be hard to find many wannabes like these. Amazingly, some of these people have excellent vocal techniques, but somehow the songs seem to leave their vocal chords lacking sincerity.

With regards to vocal techniques, more does not equate good. It's like... cooking. You don't add too much pepper if you'll just trying to flavor a broth. If you're making curry, you should be adding substantially more spices than what a broth would need. Also, people ought to consider if their voice suits using certain vocal techniques. I know of some guy friends who seems to think that anything that is sung as high as possible with skill sounds good. The fact isn't. Everyone is unique in one way or another, even their voice. Being able to do the same, doesn't means being good in the same way. I think that people have to find their own voice, rather than living in others' shadow. There are singers out there, male or female, who have very small vocal range and belongs to the lower range of the scale, or that they use very little vocal techniques, but their music still inspires/touches people. Eg. Amy Winehouse, Norah Jones, Eason Chen, etc.

I've said my 2-cents worth on what I think good music is. Time to get back to the fight with the sloth demon!

Fatalistic

2010-03-25T04:30:00.002+08:00

3 hours ago, it was 1.30am, and I had a sudden craving for meepok from under my flat. I'm really growing fat these days.

Most of the time, I tend to be less than enthusiastic about doing my best, because I know that effort does not equates success, and most people are quick to judge by being result-oriented. Why work too hard and in the end not to be recognised? Perhaps that's why I don't find any motivation at the moment to sprint for exams. Kinda lost my fire. Even if I start hitting the books now, it's only cos I'm stressed at my peers already doing so.

I need to affirm my existence, but I don't wanna struggle doing so.

Sounds chim? Someone i know said something right: "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." It is easier to obfuscate my cowardice behind words and philosophy, than to fight for something out of reach...

Short-circuit

2010-03-11T02:05:00.003+08:00

Spent most of the day studying law today. Actually, i studied till daybreak 8am this morning. Woke up at 4pm in afternoon. Feeling like crap now. Was jio for group study by singing club friends but end up didn't meet them, cos i thought i could go faster while at home. Turn out i'm not any much faster but doubly bored. Should have taken it easy like most others since this is just prelims. Oh well...

Anyway, couldn't finish it. Darn too much to memorise. I'm giving up. I'll take a break.

Mug Mug Mug

2010-03-10T03:30:00.002+08:00

Tis' graveyard hour at 3:30am. Within 30mins, it'll be the start of my normal sleep hour, but I doubt I'll get to sleep tonight.

Been compiling and reading summaries of each case law one by one for 7 hrs already... Hopefully I can finished at least half of it tonight. Paper's on coming thursday. Damn the British and their colonial era's doctrine of precedence! If legal principles are correctly applied, then all similar cases would arrive at the same rulings, no? And that would make memorising past key cases as being unnecessarily. Human brains are limited, which is why we have references and computers.

Not too long ago while I was at an OG-mate's home for post-CNY reunion, I saw the group picture that all of us took together. Wondered where mom kept it. Ended up finding them in my drawer covered with dust. Just cleaned it and set it on my desk. Serves as good motivation. Brings back good memories. Regrettably, I kinda distanced from them since the start of year 2, cos i don't share the same timetable with all of them. I guess that's life. Close friends are made and lost with the passage of time, because everyone might be on a different path. But of course, how good we are at socialising also plays a part, and I confess to being rather poor at that...

Which path am I going to? I don't fear the future, but it's always full of regrets. If only we could capture the moments and store it for eternity like what photography does...

Choice & Lethargic

2010-03-03T22:24:00.003+08:00

It's not fair, why others can hold happiness in their own hands, if they choose to, while I can't even choose to hold someone's hands. "To have", is not a luxury. It's "CHOOSE to have" that is a luxury.

So lethargic. Don't feel like studying. Don't feel like playing. Don't feel like anything. And it's not helping that prelims is on this month. Maybe I really need motivation, but what's the source of motivation?

Too sensitive?

2010-02-16T03:51:00.003+08:00

It's not quite the thing that I'm inclined to talk about on the 2nd day of Chinese New Year. I hope I'm just being too sensitive these days.

Been getting the feeling that people are reacting rather negatively to things I've said. It feels as if there's some kinda of shared hidden consensus... an agreement that I'm a condemned person. Relationships start to drift. People who still appears friendly tends to snap back doubly hard over casual comments I've made. And I kept trying to 2nd guess myself. Perhaps I'm really thinking too much. There are some people whom I expected them to trust me to be better than what they claimed. Perhaps my expectations are too high. Or perhaps, people dunno me enough just cos I don't hang out with them often?

Much as I would like to start grabbing someone and "interrogate" what exactly is going on (if any), I would rather focus my time on prelims. I can't really stop people from thinking badly of me, if I'm clear of my conscience. I may be blatant, but I'm never malicious. And so, at least blogging here lets me defend myself and I'll rest my case. Doesn't really matter if no one reads this. This place is a garbage bin to deposit stuffs, so that life can go on.

Aloof

2010-01-22T01:05:00.002+08:00

Has been abt 3 weeks since I last blog. A good number of miscellaneous things happened and it has been in the passing. Nothing really worth particular mention. Perhaps that's why it's rather depressing, actually. Somehow, the grass always looks greener on the other side; everyone else seems to be living more interesting lives than me.

These days, I've been thinking alot about myself. No. I'm not narcissistic. I'm just thinking about my image. As a singing club active member, we've been trained to be... shall i use the word "shameless"? Ironically, this "shameless" is achieved via sincerity, a desire to act as someone whom i really would want to be, even though the act may sucks. In school, there are some group of friends who know about me more than they need to, and mostly alot who doesn't really know me much. But whichever side it is, it seems that the social bridgings on both sides seems to be slowly eroding away. It's like friends have slowly become acquaintances, but not like through some sorta betrayal or fallout with each other. Everyone becomes some kinda familiar strangers. A good friend of mine quote an accurate word that aptly describes me (although he intended it for someone else).

"Aloof"

Sometimes, I wish that things between people are abit easier. I wish people could juz hold my hands and guide me what am I supposed to do to maintain all these. But I guess everyone learns it the hard way... trial and error. Some people are naturally lucky to be blessed with a silver tongue, while others are... inherently "aloof" but am trying to do something about it.

2010

2010-01-01T01:12:00.003+08:00

Happy New Year, 2010.

There's this saying: At 1:11am/pm, if you're thinking of someone, someone would also be thinking of you.

I wasn't thinking of anyone. And haven't been able to think of someone at 1.11am/pm for years already.

I was angry, and went out for a walk for an hr plus. Fireworks and cheers and colorful lights when the new year transcends. But I'm juz a shadow under a rainbow bridge.

Who knows what face hide beneath the masquerade mask?

Of Christmas, Debates and Animes

2009-12-28T17:57:00.003+08:00

I had a rather nice Christmas Eve this year. I'm pretty proud of the salad I've made. I had to experiment doing it like 2 days before Christmas Eve. Glad everyone likes it at the Christmas Eve Potluck gathering with my small group of friends. I've gotten pretty much the best present I could have chosen during the present exchange: A box of chocolate. I would have gladly shared them at the party, since a number of my friends returned to the Singles' Club.

Christmas is over, and now I feel poorer than before. Sigh. Thankfully, no gambling was involved this year.

Juz tried to start watching an anime last night (though i really need to start studying instead!): Fullmetal Alchemist. There was one episode that was quite disturbing. A father, in order to continue being a State Alchemist, performed fusion between his only daughter and their family dog, to create a Chimera that could understand human language... And previously, people thought that his wife was long dead. It was revealed that the 1st work that earned him the status of State Alchemist was none other than the chimera fusion of his wife and a dog, which only said once that it wanted to die, then gradually died as a result of refusing to eat.

Last night, I also got myself into a debate with a facebook friend from... Indonesia? We were discussing about a phrase:

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory - Friedrich Engels

And of course, all the sociological stuffs starts to flood my mind. I'm supposed to have disposed them since months ago! Oh well. Anyway, I was ranting about my displeasure of the education system in general. I'll save the details here. But at the end of the debate, it was nice to knowing 2 foreign intellectuals from Indonesia and Canada.

Murphy's Law

2009-12-18T01:14:00.002+08:00

Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

I'm drowning myself in the "divine sorrow" of Damien Rice's rendition of "Hallelujah", alone in this dark room of mine. It's healthier than going for a drink. The night feels long. I'm going to "enjoy" this.

Of 0s, 1s and 9s

2009-12-07T15:25:00.003+08:00

There are some people in this world, who try as they might, still remain insignificant.

Consider the case of 0.4. Everyone seems to start off as this number. Round it off to the nearest whole number, it's 0.

Some people tried hard, to change themselves, for the sake of themselves and others. Celebrated cases typically gets "broadcasted"/"idolised". They've become 0.5 or greater, which rounds them of to 1. But the less known, yet more common scenerio is when people ended up adding more 9s behind their decimal. 0.49. 0.499. 0.4999. 0.49999. Whatever they do, they still end up as 0 when rounded up to nearest whole number.

Perhaps in that case, by adding 1 more person to your life, only will your existence be significant; A significance shared by 2 person; Finding the other half.

Living in this big universe, people end up feeling small and insignificant. Perhaps that's why people get together. At the end of the long equations of life, I wonder what number will I end up as. Or perhaps, it's more important that we accept who we are, so that we are internally whole?

(Perceived self value / "Real" self value = 0.4 / 0.4 = 1)

On this note, here's 1 of my fav song that cross my mind at this point of time:

The Scientist - Coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

For Better, For Worse

2009-12-06T01:54:00.002+08:00

I finally get on with what I've been wanting to add to this blog: Music. Self-recorded version, if I might "proudly" say so. Still trying to improve my singing. There's like plenty of flaws. So whoever visits my blog, please bear with my horrendous singing until I somehow fix it someday.

Had a talk with a close friend this afternoon. Was actually advised by him that I should meet up with whoever I was talking about on my blog for the past few days. To clear things up, for better or for worse. Sounds like a good idea actually, though i need more time to be mentally prepared for the worst. I'm not very level-headed when it comes to this.

Drinking

2009-12-03T21:41:00.002+08:00

Today's the last day of reservice. It rained heavily. Close friends would know what's the implications.

In the evening, there's some kinda cohesion event going on with all reservice platoons. There were some rather... insignificant prizes to be won, and beer. Really diluted Tiger Beer. There's no aftertaste of malt. Only bitter water that bites the throat. I expected better drinks. I'm not a frequent drinker, but I drink only when I need to.

True. Many might argue over what's the purposes of drinking. It doesn't taste good. People tends to cause trouble or become a nuisance when they overdrink. It's not good for the liver.
... But, it offers courage when needed, or reduce sobriety when there's no need for them. Drinking doesn't solve problems, but when being too sober doesn't solve problems either, at least it knocks you out of the pain for that night. And hopefully... just hopefully... things will get better tomorrow. It's like... panadol. Actually it's better than it since panadol actually resides in your system for many weeks, while alcohol is flush out of your system completely in a day or 2, save for any burns to the liver and stomach.

What am I to do with the sober me now?

This song, is me now:

A Bitter Song by Butterfly Boucher

All I need is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better

It found me to hold me
But I don't like it at all
Won't feed it,
Won't grow it
It's folded in my stomach;
It's not fair,
I found love;
It made me say that.
Get back,
You'll never see daylight;
If I'm not strong it just might.

All I need is a bitter song
To make me better
Much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better
I feel better
I feel better

Song Choices

2009-12-03T00:25:00.002+08:00

I think I've decided. I'll use the song 遺憾 by 方炯鑌, or 星星 by At17 for the Impresario audition next wed. Didn't think I'm doing a good rendition of any of them, but I wanna see how far can I go by feeling for the song alone. Especially when the lyrics are very relevant to what I'm going through these days...

Btw, I've a chatterbox on the left of my blog, in case anyone wants to leave their names or make any comments.

Conclusion

2009-12-01T23:13:00.003+08:00

It wasn't so bad after all. My wildest dream didn't came true, but at least i didn't return empty-handed. Gained a cousin, especially one that can help me out with my POA. LOL! I think I'm surprising myself right now for being so positive. Maybe it's cos i'm already prepared for the worst and yet things doesn't go as bad as I thought would. Then again, I never intended for a confession to take place.

Anyway, things were rather insightful this time round. Had some rather unexpected heart-to-heart talk between guys, or at least with 2 buddies who's with me through this reservice. Everyone else has their surprising little confessions to make too. The 2 of them have rather extreme experiences too. I guess everyone has their troubles. One of them heard my story, and told me that I should be living a life for myself. I appreciate, but i didn't want to be irresponsible or unfilial. I'll always be stuck between being lonely, irresponsible or unfilial. I'll never be able to pursue love as long as i'm stuck in this 3-ways dilemma. I gave up someone before because of this reason. I'm not ready to start a new relationship again if this dilemma is coming back to haunt me again.

Enough about my troubles. I think I need to take a break. It's pretty tiring lugging home those thrash that I've brought to camp this time. Think I might attempt to crash 9 hrs of classes in a row 2molo. Better catch some sleep.

PS: I'm curious who's that one person who has been following my blog since the rather sensitive entry on the 28th...

Hallelujah

2009-11-29T22:46:00.004+08:00

A deceiving title that makes it sounds as though it's some praise to the Christian God. Carefully reading the title reveals otherwise. No insults intended in the lyrics, but more like a lamentation to the praise term "Hallelujah". Almost always listen to this song at night in front of the com, and rest my head on the desk, when i'm having a bad day.

Hallelujah

I heard there was a secret chord
That david played and it pleased the lord
But you don't really care for music, do you
Well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ....

Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah .... .

Baby i've been here before
I've seen this room and i've walked this floor
I used to live alone before i knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ....

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do you
But remember when i moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Well, maybe there's a god above
But all i've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
It's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ....

It's hard to praise anything above your head, when fate makes you a prime number; an unbreakable cold prison of solitude; a weapon that needs to be locked up in some forgotten dungeon so it can't harm anyone.

2009-11-28T16:06:00.000+08:00

It will rain through the night.

The Songs

2009-11-27T22:39:00.002+08:00

I'm going to think aloud for this entry... as a disclaimer to any consequences from someone mentioned here, whom I think might read this entry.

Ready? Here goes.

How often is it that songs accurately describe your current situation? That's why I'm into music. It's more than juz a couple of nicely put together words and tunes to give pleasure. It is meaningful, and at times, incredibly emphatic. It's like a painting; It speaks a thousand words, beyond the lyrics itself.

There's a song that describe my scenario right now. I haven't been paying close attention to it's lyrics, until lately. Yep. The MTV oso pretty much reflects mostly wad's going on.

張智成 - 暗戀

我們就站在落地窗的兩邊
就算觸碰也有了界限
如果跨越過彼此那道邊界
是靠近還是更遙遠

Kept telling myself not to stare, but eventually find my eyes kept coming back. Kept telling myself to maintain a reasonable distance, but somehow we get more and more stuck together with each day. Much as I'll like to confess the truth, but i know that both of us are actually relying on this rather grey area to avoid having to come to a clean conclusion, so that things will maintain as comfortable as it is now. As like the chorus of the song above: "如果跨越過彼此那道邊界, 是靠近還是更遙遠". We will lose something either way, if we ever decide to talk about it. And I dun think that it's a great idea for me to be a couple breaker...

I was introduced this song by this person too:

AT17 - 星星

为什么没有星星的夜晚
你总不在我身旁
为什么满天星星的夜晚
你就告诉我你不想
留在那里
噢...一分半秒
噢...告诉我你不再爱我有多难
说说你不爱我
我不会把你踢到大沙漠
说说你不爱我
Woo..

It's almost as if that's a solution.. Much as i like the groove and unplug feel of this song, the lyrics are actually depressing me for the bigger part of the time.

How about platonic friendship instead? It's probably the best way to for us to come clean to, keep everything under a comfortable status quo of what's going on now, and yet still different from average friends?

2009-11-21T22:50:00.002+08:00

It is difficult to reconcile the dilemma of taking the risk of a love confession: Either to lose a friend, or getting a chance of finding "The One". But I should have learnt not to carry too high a hope after numerous disastrous confessions...

Masquerade

2009-11-02T01:09:00.004+08:00

It was a decent Halloween party on Fri. So was Shabu Shabu on Sat. And badminton today. It has been years since I last blew a b'day candle too, since my parents doesn't have the habit of celebrating b'day (though strangely they would want me to wish some other ppl who they are close happy b'day) to and my close friends usually have the culture of going for eatouts than a formal b'day cake (which either way i'm equally grateful of). I was also getting an influx of good wishes via hp and facebook. This was something rather unusually in the past, but then again, I wasn't all that sociable prior to army and uni life. Which brings me to reflect on a little something: Mask.

I'm not sure how many people heard this song Masquerade from Phantom of the Opera. Here's a short extract from the lyrics:

Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade . . .
Masquerade!
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!
Masquerade!
Every face a different shade . . .
Masquerade!
Look around -
there's another
mask behind you!

I used to be rather critical about people wearing a "mask" or hiding the truth, to the point that I get rather inquisitive, blatant and perhaps self-righteous. But I realised I've changed over the years. Perhaps it's cos I'm getting old and no longer that hot-blooded. I began to appreciate the need of putting on a "mask" at times, as a means of managing relationships with people. Everyone needs to have some kinda of a filter from the outside world, so that they dun get hurt that easily. Everyone probably have many layers of mask, but the more they are themselves to others, the more layers of "mask" they remove. The level of trust and reliant increases, with the severity of the pain should that trust be broken.

I think I've a rather thin layer of mask, considering I'm actually delving into this on a public blog. Maybe I'm a high risk taker when it comes to relationships with people? You don't wear a glove to shake hands with others, unless there's some strange medical/cultural reasons. The touch. Skin contacts are always good. Warm to the touch. Not plastic. It differentiate real person from ghosts or robots. Comparing this to wearing a "mask", it's of the same equivalent. It's more likely to get hurt, but someone have to take off their "mask" 1st before the other party can trust.

Putting on some "mask" isn't a bad thing though. It prevents relationships from deteriorating too fast, if they are not connected quick enough. Some people dun click with others immediate, so will take time. But not taking it off over time will result in a bottleneck in relationship. Nothing moves forward. Too overprotective of self will suffocate oneself. It's no wonder that people actually experience loneliness even though they live in big cities that have good communication infrastructures and transportation.

Restless

2009-10-28T00:14:00.002+08:00

Came back from sch quite early today, but didn't step through the door. Saw the windows still open, so i figured probably my mom is still home. I kinda prefer to be alone when i'm back home, for a particular reason. Usually I would have juz step through the door, but today i'm abit tired to get home. So ended up wandering around my area alone, without any aim.

Was headed for Liang's Court. Along the way, passed through Subordinate Court and Juvenile Court. Saw an art figurine erected outside the juvenile court that portrays a family. I thought it's kinda lame. The cold, stone piece of "art" couldn't really portray family warmth, esp when it's placed outside a Juvenile Court.

Then bypassed MOM and reached boat quay. Walked thru the shophouses by the river. The scenery is good, and it's strange how gentle wind always visit the riverside, amongst scenery. I thought I'll walk by Futures, Zouk or some popular clubs that people around my age goes. Might be good to know their exact location, even if i don't go clubbing. Well, I didn't really find them in the end. So juz headed on to Liang's Court.

I noticed alot of Japanese products sold at Liang's Court. Last time I went, there was some heavy renovations. Now most of the stuffs are up and running, but the lack of crowd makes one wonder if the storeowners there actually have to do money laundering to earn a living. Anyway, I was looking for somewhere that sells European Boardgames cheaply there, which I heard from my ex-colleague. Strangely, I don't find it there. So I had to return empty-handed.

On the way back, I thought I'll take a walk pass OneSeven, a gay spa that a friend told me about damn long ago. The last time i walked by with my friend many years ago, we were like spotting some really bo liao people sitting across the road, commenting and laughing away as they watch some guys goes in and out of the spa centre at night. I thought it's kinda annoying that there are such discriminating people around in the world. Yet, it's equally saddening that these gays actually frequent these spas, largely in mind of looking for a one-night stand... or at least, that's the story I heard about of these gay spas from Internet and some gay friends. Anyway, I did see a guy walking out of the door. The outside doesn't even catch the eyes. Bored, I went over to the opposite street where there's a SAFRA branch.

The outside looks somewhat more interesting, with posters of some WOW competitions and stuffs. I didn't go in either. Doesn't look like anyone goes there, since it's so deserted. With that, I walked further down to Chinatown Point, bought a cup of The Ultimate ice-blended mocha from the CoffeeBean there (which I've been resisting to get, since i saw a frap equivalent at Starbucks earlier at Liang's Court). That concludes me wandering around today, and it took only slightly more than an hr, which I assume any Dragon year ppl would chastize me wasting so much time that could be used for studying.

Sometimes, I kinda wish I'm juz like everyone else, and stop thinking too much. Be more easily pleased by being around the opposite sexes, or go shopping, go clubbing, craptalks, etc. At least, most of my peers seems to be enjoying these. But I guess I don't fit very well into all these. I'm more likely to drown myself out in music and philosophizing, like what I'm doing now. Trying to find some meanings for what I'm doing now.

Shrug. I think I'm starting to sound like I'm going through some mid-life crisis, which i'm trying to avoid in this blog. Think will stop here.

Forbidden Love vs. Ever-changing Love

2009-10-23T22:15:00.005+08:00

A couple of things goes through my mind today. What's worse? Forever waiting for a chance at forbidden love, or an entire lifetime of changing love partners?

I'm more of a victim of the former, so I know what it's like. Not intending to delve into my personal relationship stories, but it sometimes got me thinking about it, when i keep hearing stories from media/friends/etc about them having broke up with their bf/gf, or them into a new relationship again. The latter tends to have their cycle repeated again and again, until they are fortunately/unfortunately married, or they totally "give up" on relationships altogether when they are finally too old and ugly to fall in love at cup noodles speed.

Sometimes, I feel that it's so unfair that people can keep trying to find their happily ever after, while i need to think a million times over to landing my aim on someone, cos there's a high price to pay. But I can't exactly say I'm that envious of people who are free to love and end up changing their special someone on a monthly or yearly basis... sometimes even weekly basis.

So which is better?

I'll opt for forbidden love. Like I always answer my friends when they ask me why i finish up all the vegetables, soups and wad's not before the chicken chop, "Save the best for the last". At least, somehow I hope that there's another person who also made the same choice, and someday we'll meet. Beats having luxurious cup noodles everyday. But that's my opinion. If you have to be one, which would you be?

2009-10-19T23:04:00.003+08:00

I'm unusually inspired for the past 2 days, esp after watching one of the advertisements that someone posted on facebook.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8Qd7qeSd0Y

I probably watched this ad at least 20 times over since last night. Story's about the a deaf girl learning violin, and was looked down upon by her rich, snob peer. The piece played throughout the ad was Canon in D. Loved the part when the deaf street basker, her soulmate who earns a living via playing violin, gave her the advice: "Why do you have to be like the others? Music is a visible thing. Close your eyes and you'll see it." The last half of the ad was abit more dramatic, with her playing the violin, recalling all the hardships she went through, the breeze across a field of gold and... most commented, her hair flying all around her face. On the thought of it now, it's actually kinda funny, but I see it as an abstraction of the state of euphoria induced by music. Of cos, it all ended with a somewhat anti-climate "Pantene - You can shine too", though i'm thankful the wording was only for 3 seconds, and it doesn't feel like it's an ad very related to shampoo.

These days, I've been trying to get back to songwriting but somehow, no words would come out. If I try to force it out, it sounds kinda unsincere and awkward with the phrasing. I don't even get alot of melodies in my mind these days either. I still remember I used to be predominantly depressed many years back, but that was also when I got so much inspirations. Somewhere along the line, I wanna try to be more optimistic/happier, like everyone else, and that's when I stop to "feel" so much, that I guess I could say I'm now somewhat numb already. It's as if I've lost a painful part of myself, which actually I treasure. Something like addicted to pain. I dunno. Kinda hard to put into words.

Maybe will read back into some of my private blog entries and see if I can find some inspirations from past happenings. Or perhaps someone could gimme a pleasant surprise...?

Obligations

2009-10-03T00:05:00.003+08:00

In the business world, there are alot of obligations: The economical obligations to stakeholders, the legal obligations to the local law, the social obligations to the customers, etc. Some are written black and white. Some are communicated verbally. And there are others that are intrinsic.

The latter is the one that's the most dangerous everyday social relationships. In courtship, people carries expectation for each other, expecting their partners to be absolutely faithful, binding and be able to understand them and be understanding and caring to each other. The slightest incident, or even just one party having a bad day could juz ruin a relationship, juz because the other party didn't feel cared, felt betrayed, etc. In family, parents have high expectations for their kids, sometimes it's for themselves, and other times it's for them or the whole family. Kids by nature already carry with them a burden they do not have an option to let go, unless they denounce their family. As for amongst friends, we form expectations of each other, like "A good friend is someone who is there for me whenever I need them, and will go through hot and cold together". But when their friend/s are weighed by their own burdens that they cannot fulfill these expectations, they'll see people in a different light.

Quite some time ago, one of my poly days friend kept in touch with me. Of the stuffs we spoke about, she recalled that I had a good friend during poly days. Strangely, I couldn't recall that, other than the fact that I've been mostly a loner before coming into university. She said that there's this other guy name KC, who hanged out with me most of the time. Then I remembered. He was someone whom I really trust alot. He was a gd friend, who would meet me up in sch whenever I'm free. Then, I couldn't remember was it during 2nd year or the final year, everyone was rushing projects. There was one of the evening in sch when I was really frustrated with all the hectic rushing of projects through several nights, project group meetups, missing members and whatever that was happening at home at that point of time. He asked me for help one week before one of the project datelines, when i haven't even completed mine too. He asked that when I've just finished my project meeting and it was like 7pm in the sch lab already. He sounded damn desperate at that point of time. But it didn't got into me, cos i was overwhelmed with my own problems. I rejected to help him. I felt I need a break, and I also admit to being abit selfish that I had this thought: "Why should I help you to score, when it's not like after that anyone or even you could help me with my own projects? I'm just as desperate as you!". It was a mistake. Since after that day, he didn't initiate to meet me up. When we meet each other along the common corridor, he would say hi, but he wouldn't even talk more already. The look in his eyes was totally different, like as if i've become another passerby along the streets, rather than that of a friend. And I never did explain myself to him. Till this day, there are times when I felt that I could have averted that had I just helped him. But it's just not fair... I had my burdens too at that point of time, and I'm supposed to lose this friend just cos' I'm at my capacity already! After all the final year project submissions, I only remembered managing to find an abandoned stairway to cry. Over the lost of a friend. Over the likelihood of failing my FYPs. Over not being able to withstand more stress than I can. It rained in the later afternoon that day, and i had abit of a drink too.

The reason why I'm blogging about this topic is because I sensed I'm about to lose yet another friend this way, but this time with her putting too expectations on me, just because I'm capable of, just as my ex-buddy during poly days. Scenarios are abit different now though. Even though strictly speaking she's not my buddy as comparable to my ex-buddy, but i never like having enemies or having bad bloods with people. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if it's really because she treats me as someone trustworthy, that she keeps asking me for help, or that I'm just a very reliable "tool". And truth is, I'm absolutely tired of everyone, friends and family putting their burdens onto me, just because they got no one else they can depend on. Expectations became obligations, and when i don't give them what they want, or fail to do it well, I'll take the blame. What am I? Batman, who has to face angry citizens even after saving Gotham City, filled with self-serving citizens? I am VERY angry now. What the hell am I supposed to do?

The Burden of Proof

2009-09-25T19:24:00.002+08:00

It is easy to be a bad guy, by simply not attempting to explain myself anymore and walking away. I'm tired of having to always bear the burden of proof... to prove myself innocent, or reason for what I do. Even more tired is when the reasons for my act are not meant for the ears, or that exposing them could result in much greater trouble.

My mood hasn't been quite right for the past 1 week plus. Probably being emotionally tired about being obliged to duties in my club, expecting stress since i'm also taking a law subject this year, as well as family commitment which there is no way I can speak to any third party about. All these are wearing me down at the same time.

Club-wise, as I mentioned before, I think I'm pushed it abit too much that now the other exco clubmates are taking much of my duties, albeit with seemingly less trust in me now. To be honest, I'm not actually doing alot anymore, esp since after the most recent club event finally started and on the run already. But I'm still trying to push any little duties away just because I'm sick of it. Either that, or I took it very reluctantly.

Family-wise, i never have a family that really listen to me. They usually just want an ear, and want me to understand them and do their biddings, and usually I would end up starting a quarrel which end up me doing their biddings anyway, just because they got no one better to depend on. I don't have a choice. I'm an only child. And who said that an only child is spoilt? Of late, they got me to commit into something that I could not choose to refuse, and it's time consuming cos it'll easily take 3 - 4 hrs every night. And no, I'm not to tell anyone what's that. Am I supposed to tell that to a bunch of clubmates excos, who strictly speaking, we're not on the term yet to even start talking about heart-to-heart very personal stuffs? I'm not obliged to reveal my family problems to them, although they are not obliged to take my explanation.

So what happen this time? I think I'll just stop explaining for myself... at least in front of anyone. I'll keep my rantings to my blog. Let me be the bad guy. Not like telling the truth and exposing other people's secret actually makes me a good person anyway.

Enough about me.

I read a news earlier on about this NUS guy who ejaculated on a PRC lady. Already posted my comments and analysis there, under the alias Q-Square:

http://temasekreview.com/2009/09/24/top-nus-grad-chong-weien-jailed-for-ejaculating-onto-china-national/comment-page-1/#comment-29009

Here's the court statement: http://lwb.lawnet.com.sg/legal/lgl/rss/subcourts/63869.html

I personally thought there are still doubtful points in the circumstance evidences and victim's statement. But actually just looking at the brainless comments people make, most ppl are all too keen to place the burden of proof upon those with past record. People don't even read up the court statements, and too keen to give negative comments. What the society currently is, is no different from the era of time when people burn Joan of Arc on the stake. I digressed a wee too far, but I don't meant to say the judge is being completely irrational, given that most of the environmental evidences are infavorable to the accused, although not exceedingly. I'm just commenting about the people who made brainless comments.

I hope I really could get a respite from all these turmoils in my life soon, although being alive for 24 years taught me otherwise...

Inspirations for new songs?

2009-09-21T06:51:00.003+08:00

It's like... 6.51am in the morning, and I'm still awake since last night. I guess my biological clock was ruined since I've been having this cycle previously as a result of home commitments and club commitments. Sometimes, life don't give you a break, but I try not to break anyone else as a result of my own commitments. I think I'm pushing it abit too much when I'm making things difficult for some people by fussing about the amount of workload I have. But I can't help to worry that if things continue the way it is now, I wouldn't be able to cope with my studies... Not to mention I might not even be able to pay up for my third year studies... Need to earn as much as I can to offset the amount of financial support my parents need to give me...

My mom just woke up. Glad she finally slept well last night. And suddenly, she's in the mood for morning walk in the hillpark behind my house. Thought I'll accompany her so it's safer. So should be leaving home anytime now. Will be back for... sleep, after the walk. I'm in the mood to take a walk too. There's alot of things on my mind, but I think a morning walk is a good source of inspiration for songwriting. Haven't wrote a single piece in years. Maybe too much braincells died after exams, insomnia, army and the process of "growing up", that tunes no longer automatically appear in my mind anymore. My world has become so... disenchanted.

I've finished watching 仙剑奇侠传3 over a week ago. I seldom take note of the musics from Mainland China. Heard some good songs from there. This one touches me the most, since it reminds me of a past relationship many years ago that I have yet to completely let go off my mind:

郑中基 - 答应不爱你

明明爱很清晰 却又接受分离
我只剩失恋的权利
难过还来不及 爱早已融入呼吸
不存在的存在心底

虽然很努力 练习着忘记
我的心却还没答应可以放弃了你
真的对不起 答应了你不再爱你
我却还没答应我自己

明明爱很清晰 却要接受分离
我只剩失恋的权利
难过还来不及 就让爱融入空气
不存在的存在心底

说好要忘记 偏偏又想起
原来我的心还没有答应放弃了你
真的对不起 虽然曾经答应了你
我却还没答应我自己
却又如何真的不爱你

Rantings

2009-09-12T03:26:00.003+08:00

There's just too much commitments. Just can't breath. It's not helping when there are things which I can't say, or commitments which I don't get to let go off. Things are just... thrusted upon me, like i'm the only saint who can save the world.

7.03am. What kinda of person is awake through the night working at home? Just done with some commitment stuffs at home. I haven't slept since last night, and now i'm wide awake. Or maybe, i'm not even sure if i really have a fix sleeping time anymore. Actually, this has been my cycle for the past 1 week plus. Having a headache now. I surely don't mind a panadol overdose. To make things worse, my hp would ring juz when i'm going to fall asleep, only to be disturbed by trivia matters. Of course, I couldn't blame others since how many ppl actually slept at 7am in the morning and only awake at 6pm in the evening?

Mood: Bad.

Song in my mind at the moment: Elephant (Damien Rice)

Well this has got to die
I said, this has got to stop
This has got to lie down
With someone else on top

Well, you can keep me pinned
It's easier to tease
But you can't paint an elephant
Quite as good as she

And she may cry like a baby
And she may drive me Crazy
'Cause I am lately lonely

So why'd you have to lie?
I take it I'm your crutch
The pillow in your pillow case
Is easier to touch

And when you think you've sinned
Do you fall upon your knees?
Or d'you sit within your picture?
Do you still forget the breeze?

And she may rise, if I sing you down
And she may wisely cling to the ground
Cause I am lately, horny
So why would she take me thorny?

What's the point of this song? Or even singing?
You've already gone, why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it out, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die

I said, this has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top

You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me

Well you know that's a lie

Power - A Double Edged Sword

2009-08-20T02:30:00.000+08:00

Just came back from singing class today. Other than a few minor hiccups throughout the day due to inexperience, I think it still ended reasonably well.

Today, I feel like talking about power. Holding power is good. It gives you authority over matters, and whatever you say, people respect/forced to respect you because of your position. You can brag to all your friends that you're someone important somewhere now. And at the end of the whole thing, it also goes on paper so you can show off to your future employers.

But I never loved power, as contrast to most people these days. I've made it clear during my excos interview that I'm NOT interested in being exco, but i'm willing to help out in whichever way necessary. Somehow, that got me in. Nevermind that now. Anyway, with power comes responsibilities. Life starts to change for me. Suddenly, I've to start making decisions for things. Suddenly, I need to take initiatives to support the president in whichever ways possible. And due to added responsibilities, sometimes relationships between people become complex, to the point that some perceive it to look like a power play. And seriously, I don't enjoy myself at all because of all these human relations kinda complications.

This should not be the case. I think, people tends to misunderstand each other when they dunno each other well enough. It doesn't seems like alot of people understand the virtue of giving "the benefits of the doubt", and prefer to read things negatively. Or perhaps, humans are inheritantly pessimistic. Then people starts to do things that are in contrary to the bigger picture, whether they realise it or not. I'm trying my best to see what I can do to help resolve all these little conflicts and misunderstandings, before they gradually pile up into a pile of intangible mess over time, but eventually, people really need to change their attitudes... mutually.

I personally believed and I hoped, that everyone join singing club out of the passion for music, and that since everyone share the same interest, everyone should get along quite well. In chinese, there's this word called "知音人", means "someone who understands you", or directly translated as "someone who knows your music". Regardless of whether you're excos or seniors, performing or events, welcome to a home of music lovers. The excos are only holding a post so that they can be responsible for ensuring the smooth running of the club. It doesn't indicate superiority. And for the excos, I hope that while we are all pulled into all this adminstrative maelstorm, we don't forget that we are also still in this club because we love music, albeit we each might have different visions for how to advance the club.

At the end of the day, I wish that I can just tell everyone this openly, but I'll be naive to think that everything will work out well by everyone just reading this entry. People are more likely to take this entry negatively, rather than constructively. So I've said my one cent worth... (actually is worth less than that since this entry would amount to nothing eventually).

1st entry

2009-08-17T03:10:00.000+08:00

Hmm... This is the 3rd blog I've ever made. 1st blog was intended for close friends, 2nd for personal ranting. Thought I should have one that is at least open to public, for those who are keen to know more about me. Hmm... At least, it's somewhere that I plan to debate on controversial stuffs, and see if I could get some opinions. Controversial stuffs? Read on~

I was just reading abit about City Harvest Church. Been there before myself, at least for 2 of their functions. All the controversy surrounding them since their existence, as well as all the bad encounters with Christians have made me somewhat bitter about their religion, and some of their believers. For now, let's just focus on CHC. Hmm... Last I read off other webby and thinking about some friends from there, it seemed like after they attended CHC, they seemed especially driven towards earning money. Seemed like prosperity is their God-given blessing... Perhaps they are trying to proved they are those blessed by God, which explains their dilligence, or...? I'm not sure if someone whom I've known betrayed her passion for music for money/"God" did so for the same reason. It's kinda sad, really. I kept wanting to believe that people who can appreciate music ain't inheritantly that superficial, not to mention a wee despicable after a recent SMS...

I know of yet another friend, who was a rather misguided teen in his earlier teenagehood, until he went to CHC. I dunno him that long to know to what degree is that change, but apparently the "new" him that the rest of us have always known is always perceive as alittle strange... sometimes smiling to himself, and seemingly silly most of the time. Quite sometime ago, he even wanted to borrow a few hundred bucks from me to go into some MLM investments. I had my doubts though since he's sorta a good friend of mine during army days, I'm inclined to trust him. Eventually, my parents advised me against it. I haven't heard much from him since then.

Recent media coverage has also highlighted the topic of Christians from the same church (COOS) attempting to hijack a secular group (AWARE). That is not to mention that the key conspirator (or so it seems) is an MP, who's also from the same church. And strangely enough, the church's pastor attempt to claim that there was no attempt on the church itself to organise such a coup, even though their official website is very specific about being anti-homosexual practices. The issue of homosexualism would be discussed at a later date, I guess. Just sidetracking a little to show how misguided/unwise Christians have become, in the name of their God. It seems people have the tendency to speak of behalf, and even use God as their shield to cover for their own selfishness. I "applaud" at this level of despicability.

The bottomline? I try to stay neutral towards christians, despite my disagreement in their belief. At the end of the day, no one crosses the line, I'll stay on my own side of the line. Personally though, I feel that actions are more important than what each others' faith is. If the objective is to bring out the good in everyone and help each other out, why not? Still... If I'm the pastor of CHC, I rather be forking out the money to send Christians overseas on missions to aid people in third world countries and those hit by natural disasters, than spend it on lavish decorations and stage, etc. I did remember there's some particular statements about the church should not be built lavish, but I'm not a bible person to remember verse and the gospel it's from.

I've said my two-cents worth on this topic. I'm expecting some level of flaming should this blog go public and someone reads this. But I'll still like to make a disclaimer that it's not meant to be a sweeping statement. It's just these bigots and some disappointment from friends/family that I'm rather tired with Christianity in general.

After I've press the publish button, I'm lead to a confirmation webby with an ad on Scientology. One Bible, so many interpretation, and everyone's claiming they are right and following the Bible. I can't help but think that Present-Day Christianity Teachings are already merely just very personal perspective of the same bible. There claims to be no interpretation, but people still need some level of interpretation to apply them anyway, and will always do so in the way they think makes most sense to account for what they would like to believe the bible intends to teach.